tools

November 19, 2009

So I just saw Tool while walking off the metro.  While my eyesight hasn’t completely left me yet, sometimes I can’t actually make out faces of people if they are too far away, so I may look like I’m ignoring you, but really I just can’t see you.  This was the case for Tool.  However, the dead giveaway that it was Tool was the fact that he was wearing his white sunglasses perched ON HIS FOREHEAD.  Laura was not making this up folks.  There are people who actually do this; some may refer to them as tools.  Suffice it to say, even though I was able to identify Tool via the white sunglasses, I still chose to act like I hadn’t seen him, even though we both looked directly at each other.  9 times out of 10 if it’s early in the morning, I have no desire to make small talk.  I would even venture to say that it’s 10 times out of 10.  That is what I would have been doing with Tool…making small talk all the way from the metro to our building.  Sorry Tool, this is no offense to you, and clearly you did not want to make small talk either since you chose to ignore me as well.  I do like that we are on the same wavelength here.

This is about what sunglasses perched on a forehead looks like.  Why?

sunglasses perched on forehead

Now picture this but with white sunglasses.  (Sidenote: who wears white sunglasses?)  Why not just perch them on your head and not your forehead like any normal human being would do?  I don’t really understand that.  Is there some invisible line that I can’t see that manages to hold those puppies on your forehead without falling?  Do you think you look cooler with them on your forehead as opposed to your head?  Just some questions worth pondering.

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not a morning person

November 13, 2009

I just ran into Tool in the elevator after getting some morning coffee, which was desperately needed.  The coffee I mean, not Tool (although he is a cutie).  Tool seems like a nice guy.  Tainted only by Laura who, as you may recall, gave him his wonderful nickname after she saw him walking around in white sunglasses perched awkardly on his head (see tag “Tool” for more information if you don’t recall).  Speaking of Laura…Laura if you are reading this…where the he*l are you?  She moved away and now is nonresponsive to emails.  I realize you are busy buying a house and all that responsible adult stuff, but I need some comic relief here, which she would offer on a daily basis.  I will never forget this, but on my second day of work almost two years ago, Laura came into my cube to teach me something.  Mid-explanation, I side-swiped my hand the wrong way into my full cup of coffee which spilled all over the documents Laura was trying to teach me about.  Coffee everywhere.  We had some good laughs about that one, and after that I immediately knew Laura was cool.  Laura’s replacement, Laura 2, just started this week.  While she is no Laura by any stretch of the imagination, at least Laura 2 seems semi-normal from my brief interactions with her so far, which is more than I can say for many of the people in this office.

For the record, I am not a morning person.  Especially when on my walk to work it starts raining and is windy as heck so the hair I just straightened is ruined and blowing all over my face, and especially if I am forced to touch a door handle.  That is the worst.  Or if I wear too much clothing, like today, and get overheated like I normally do after walking a mere two blocks.  What is up with that?  It’s almost as if I have hit early onset menapause [don’t worry boys, that is a joke…I most certainly have not].  Does everyone get overheated like I do?  Doubtful.  I usually seem to be the only one wearing a tee shirt on the metro to cool down in the middle of winter, having to remove jackets and sweaters in order to avoid sweating through my clothing.  This morning, after walking about 10 minutes from the metro to the office in the sprinkling, windy weather (my favorite), I got caught behind this ridiculously slow individual on the way to the front door.  I’ve been told that I am a fast walker, but seriously, all I wanted to do at this point was rip off my jacket and extra layers of clothing so that I could cool off a little bit.  But this guy was lolly gagging along, taking his sweet old time.  Lucky for me, after I passed him upon exiting security, he caught up to me and got into my elevator.  Held that up too, naturally.  Sometimes I really just want to press the close button when I’m in the elevator and see people coming.  I would have done that too, but this guy actually sped up for once so I didn’t have a chance to.  Naturally, he pressed the button for the 4th floor.  I’m on the 5th.  The guy who got in the elevator on the 4th floor must have seen my disgusted look because he actually made a comment about me missing the express elevator.  Why does my face have to give away exactly what I am thinking all the time?  This is why I don’t even bother trying to lie.  Well that and maybe the moral dilemma that goes along with it.


Nicknames

October 9, 2009

For all you single ladies out there, does anyone nickname the guys they are talking to or who play some role in their lives?  I’ve done it ever since I was young.  In fact, growing up, my sisters and I would go camping and bike riding frequently.  When biking on the trails, we’d sometimes see a fine young fellow who appealed to us, and when we did, we’d coin him a “flat tire” so he wouldn’t think we were talking about him. “FLAT TIRE!” we’d scream out, as if he couldn’t see that we didn’t have a flat tire.  Those were the days.  Over the years, we’ve come up with more creative nicknames for boys.  I’ll just go down the list with some recent clever ones that come to mind:

  1. Scantron: Scantron works in my office, and I think it’s safe to say that he’s developed a bit of a crush.  He went on a trip to New Orleans and brought me back a pencil that says “New Orleans” on it.  So, immediately Felipe started calling him #2, which gradually progressed to Scantron.  He just brought me a cd to listen to, and has been tempting me over to his desk with some dry roasted edamame.  He knows my weaknesses!
  2. Tool: Tool was named by a former co-worker, we’re calling her Laura for purposes of this blog.  Tool works with Married Guy, and when he first started I thought he was cute.  So I relayed this to Laura, and she knows the type that I am attracted to (tools) but hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing him yet.  So one day she’s walking downstairs to go to lunch, and sees this new young guy walk by her who fits the description of the cute guy I had described.  He’s wearing white sunglasses, but doesn’t have them perched on the top of his head like a normal person would.  Instead, they are perched awkwardly on his forehead, possibly so he can look cool.  So, she immediately thought he was a tool because not only was he wearing white sunglasses, but he had them perched on his forehead.  Ever since then, we’ve called him Tool.  And knowing that one of my friends doesn’t like someone immediately means that I don’t like him anymore either, so that possibility was killed on contact.
  3. Married Guy: I don’t know what it is, but black guys have some sort of radar for white girls who are open to dating black guys.  Married Guy would walk by my cube almost daily and stare in at me, and I thought he was hot.  So finally one day, Laura so kindly went and talked to a mutual friend to get the scoop on him.  Turns out he’s married, but he’s telling this mutual friend that I am hot and and he wants to get to know me?  What is wrong with men?  So of course I tell him to get lost and he disappears for a few months, only to resurface recently.  I think his friend Tool is cute, so agree we can do a happy hour or something in the future.  Married Guy was featured in a previous blog post.
  4. Plant Guy: He watered the plants at my old job.  Every Friday he would come in and rave about my plant and how “beautiful” I was (don’t you love when guys call you “beautiful,” ladies? I immediately know they are trying to get some ass with that comment).  I tend to be nice to people so would chat him up like I would to anyone.  Next thing I know, I’m leaving the job and Plant Guy gets me this gift and a card with this message about how in love with me he is and how he will miss me.  He leaves his telephone number and address hoping I will call him.  Plant Guy was sweet.
  5. Rico: This actually is his real name (I think).  Being that he lied to me about moving to Colombia, I’m going to guess that his name is actually fictitious as well, so included it in the list.  Felipe likes to call him , since he’s skinny as all hell.  He told me he just had a high metabolism, but turns out he’s a stoner.  I know how to pick ’em.
  6. Hot Friend Phil: Hot Friend Phil is best friends with my ex.  I met Hot Friend Phil and my ex at the same time. Initially, I had no interest whatsoever in my ex.  But Hot Friend Phil was charismatic and obviously hot so I was maybe hoping something would happen with him, even though it was clear my ex liked me.  A few months later, ex and I started dating.  Which reminds me that today is actually ex’s birthday; I should probably give him a shout.

I know there are more out there, but those are the most recent ones that immediately come to mind.  If anyone can think of others I’ve missed, feel free to share and I will update the post.  Isn’t nicknaming fun?