So we have these two ladies at work, not sure what division they are in, but they like to take noontime walks around the perimeter of our building. They literally lace up their sneaks and walk a few laps inside the building and consider this their mid-day workout. They are not just casually strolling, but speed walking like those old ladies do to get exercise. Does anyone else find this amusing? I didn’t notice them until Laura one day about a year ago started making sly comments everytime they sped by our cubes….”oh, I hear The Walkers coming.” I mean, I wish you guys could see this. They are usually chatting it up, but today the one shorter lady just speed walked by my cube by herself, arms pumping. Where is her partner in crime? Did something happen to her? One of my co-workers was literally almost just taken down by her while trying to make it over to my boss’s office; we just laughed and gave each other a knowing look…apparently she knows The Walkers too. Unfortunately, I really can’t make too much fun of them – would be like the pot calling the kettle black. One day when I was in high school, I told my family I was going for a run. I think I jogged a couple laps around the house first [totally normal], and then decided to take a few laps around the garden, which mind you was not very big. Of course, my father happened to conveniently look out the window to witness this. To this day, I have not been able to live it down. When I tell one of them I am running in a race or that I went for a run, they ask “did you run around the garden?”
For all you single ladies out there, does anyone nickname the guys they are talking to or who play some role in their lives? I’ve done it ever since I was young. In fact, growing up, my sisters and I would go camping and bike riding frequently. When biking on the trails, we’d sometimes see a fine young fellow who appealed to us, and when we did, we’d coin him a “flat tire” so he wouldn’t think we were talking about him. “FLAT TIRE!” we’d scream out, as if he couldn’t see that we didn’t have a flat tire. Those were the days. Over the years, we’ve come up with more creative nicknames for boys. I’ll just go down the list with some recent clever ones that come to mind:
- Scantron: Scantron works in my office, and I think it’s safe to say that he’s developed a bit of a crush. He went on a trip to New Orleans and brought me back a pencil that says “New Orleans” on it. So, immediately Felipe started calling him #2, which gradually progressed to Scantron. He just brought me a cd to listen to, and has been tempting me over to his desk with some dry roasted edamame. He knows my weaknesses!
- Tool: Tool was named by a former co-worker, we’re calling her Laura for purposes of this blog. Tool works with Married Guy, and when he first started I thought he was cute. So I relayed this to Laura, and she knows the type that I am attracted to (tools) but hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing him yet. So one day she’s walking downstairs to go to lunch, and sees this new young guy walk by her who fits the description of the cute guy I had described. He’s wearing white sunglasses, but doesn’t have them perched on the top of his head like a normal person would. Instead, they are perched awkwardly on his forehead, possibly so he can look cool. So, she immediately thought he was a tool because not only was he wearing white sunglasses, but he had them perched on his forehead. Ever since then, we’ve called him Tool. And knowing that one of my friends doesn’t like someone immediately means that I don’t like him anymore either, so that possibility was killed on contact.
- Married Guy: I don’t know what it is, but black guys have some sort of radar for white girls who are open to dating black guys. Married Guy would walk by my cube almost daily and stare in at me, and I thought he was hot. So finally one day, Laura so kindly went and talked to a mutual friend to get the scoop on him. Turns out he’s married, but he’s telling this mutual friend that I am hot and and he wants to get to know me? What is wrong with men? So of course I tell him to get lost and he disappears for a few months, only to resurface recently. I think his friend Tool is cute, so agree we can do a happy hour or something in the future. Married Guy was featured in a previous blog post.
- Plant Guy: He watered the plants at my old job. Every Friday he would come in and rave about my plant and how “beautiful” I was (don’t you love when guys call you “beautiful,” ladies? I immediately know they are trying to get some ass with that comment). I tend to be nice to people so would chat him up like I would to anyone. Next thing I know, I’m leaving the job and Plant Guy gets me this gift and a card with this message about how in love with me he is and how he will miss me. He leaves his telephone number and address hoping I will call him. Plant Guy was sweet.
- Rico: This actually is his real name (I think). Being that he lied to me about moving to Colombia, I’m going to guess that his name is actually fictitious as well, so included it in the list. Felipe likes to call him , since he’s skinny as all hell. He told me he just had a high metabolism, but turns out he’s a stoner. I know how to pick ’em.
- Hot Friend Phil: Hot Friend Phil is best friends with my ex. I met Hot Friend Phil and my ex at the same time. Initially, I had no interest whatsoever in my ex. But Hot Friend Phil was charismatic and obviously hot so I was maybe hoping something would happen with him, even though it was clear my ex liked me. A few months later, ex and I started dating. Which reminds me that today is actually ex’s birthday; I should probably give him a shout.
I know there are more out there, but those are the most recent ones that immediately come to mind. If anyone can think of others I’ve missed, feel free to share and I will update the post. Isn’t nicknaming fun?